I am writing you as my first full night in Chicago comes to an end. I am officially a “Dweller” in the inner city. November 1st will mark the first day of my “new” life.
Leaving home was much harder this time around than when I left for California. I’m not sure why. You’d think that being across the county would spark a greater fear, uncertainty, and be much harder than being several hours away. The car ride was good but long. I was so busy talking on the phone that I ended up getting lost on my way …I have been to Chicago so many times and yet I got lost. Still need that GPS!!
Perhaps I have a better appreciation for my family, that’s why it was so difficult to leave; or maybe it’s due to the unknown in which I am facing. Tomorrow morning I wake up and start looking for a part-time job. I don’t know where to look. I don’t even know what’s around the block. Moreover, every interview I have ever had has been so formal and professional. In fact, I have only interviewed in a suit and a tie. If I walk into Starbucks like that they may think I’m nuts. My other alternative is ripped jeans and a t-shirt. Maybe I’ll try something in the middle.
So, this is the start of a journey that I am completely clueless as to where I will end up. As I walk out the front door tomorrow I don’t know where I will go, who I will encounter, and if I will end the day with a job.
There are several things I do know, however. Never in my life have a felt so in step with who God is and what he calls us to. I have been so consumed with “success” (whatever that is) that I often forget about living life. We have one life, one opportunity, and thankfully one loving God who won’t promise to give us the answers we want, but promises to be with us as we walk out that front door.
Goodnight!!!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Jesus Ruined My Life
We are all trying to find “our” place in this world. With endless prayers, books, and wise counsel, we search for the call of a lifetime. Unfortunately, if you’re like me and are stubborn, thickheaded, and perhaps selfish, our place in this world seems unclear and sometimes downright confusing.
American culture doesn’t contribute to this fog that pervades most of our lives and sometimes our entire life. Since I have been out of college (An entire 6 months) my world has been shaken, flipped, and completely destroyed. Now hold on, this isn’t a letter of regret, but it is a letter of insanity.
Over these past several months I have lost things I so deeply cared about, gained things that I thought were important (at the time), given opportunities I thought would give me fulfillment and purpose, and most importantly, experienced a death that was hard to go through.
For those of you that know me fairly well you may be wondering, “who died?” Well, I did! Yes, that is correct, not a typo (though I have many). Let me explain. Everything I thought I wanted, dreamed of, worked for, and positions I thought would bring me accomplishment and “success” have all been shattered. Who do I have to blame…Jesus!!
Don’t get me wrong, I have been a Christian (whatever that is) for quite some time now. If you want specifics, March 3, 1999 a man named Jeremy gave an invitation to die to self and live in Christ. Confused on what I was getting myself into, I made the “conversion” that evening. Maybe it was my 15-year-old mind or self-centeredness, but I didn’t grasp the concept and am still learning daily what that means. I have, however, gotten a taste of what I thought life, or this world, has to offer and never have I felt so empty.
Since I set foot on a college campus I have wondered, dreamed, desired, and feared what I was to do with MY life. I even took several courses to try and help me discover and hopefully quench the pressure of “having it all together” and knowing my future. Unfortunately, those classes didn’t help me as I recall my number one suggested occupation was to be a florist (huh?) and secondly an accountant, which I can’t sit still enough to finish writing this in one sitting let alone look at a computer screen and Microsoft Excel all day.
Truthfully the only information I pulled away from the “Life Calling” class was I have a heart for people (Try to explain a concrete occupation with that passion). Using the transitive property (oh how I miss math), I concluded that if I care for people, want them to know Christ as Lord, and want to be apart of something grand, this must mean I am supposed to be a Youth Pastor. Why youth? There was no way I was going to sign up to be a head pastor as I couldn’t even act my age and still don’t.
Long story short and many sleepless nights later I graduated with a Business Administration degree and was a few classes short of a ministry major.
Journeying through college, I started to become disgusted with the church. I felt so horrible for feeling that way, but I couldn’t help but be confused at the way the church operated and what the Bible said. My freshman year I had an opportunity to work with a local church that had an after school program. It was a blast!! These kids were inner-city kids and more often than not forgot they were in a church and would swear as they missed a basket.
I grew up in a very religious community and we didn’t cuss. Well, not at church. Maybe we (I) thought God could hear us better in the church than other places? Strangely enough it was refreshing to be around people that didn’t put their church faces on. I will never forget the overnighter we had and found myself on a basketball court feeling something I had never felt before. There were nine black teenage boys and myself, little white boy who was lucky to hit the rim. It was at that moment when my heart began to change and a passion for inner-city youth began to rise.
I wish I could say at that time I committed to following this heart for the inner city and the rest is history. This is where the stubborn and self-centered part comes in. My heart has, since that night of basketball, been bent towards the inner city. I wrote papers, read books, even spent several days in Philadelphia over a fall break hanging out with inner city kids.
Nevertheless, my selfishness won and I went the next several years of college constricting this desire, especially after I canceled a trip to New York City over my senior year fall break to live on the streets with the homeless.
Questions like, “what are you going to do after college?” and, “how are you going to pay off your school loans?” began to infiltrate my mind. What would I do? These were questions I knew would come, but my reactions to them were out of character for whom I knew God wanted me to be.
The book of Jonah has always struck me as funny. I say funny because Jonah intentionally disobeyed God. What an idiot. Who in their right mind would go the opposite way God told them? Well, it’s not so funny when you are the one who avoids God’s direction. Luckily I didn’t end up in a fish (well sorta).
Finishing up college I thought I wanted to get into mortgage. Looking back now it kind of makes sense. I did have a heart for inner city and people who had no place to call home. In my insecurity and confusion I ran towards an occupation that aligned with my heart, yet gave me the comfort of success stability and a guaranteed roof over my own head. How hypocritical!!
Come February 2006 I had to start making decisions (well I thought so). Besides, if I didn’t know what I was going to do then I would have to tell all that asked, “what are you going to do after you graduate” that I was a loser and didn’t know (rough translation of I’m not sure). I remember during this time constantly asking the Lord what I should do. I knew that I wanted to be bi-vocational, meaning that I would be in part-time ministry and have a “normal” job. This wasn’t because I felt this was a call on my life to do so, it was simply me desiring to serve God, but have him in a box as I got the security I wanted also.
This led me to California where I had, what I thought, the opportunity of a lifetime. It was a good opportunity too, but it wasn’t what God had called me to. I know that I was supposed to go there. I truly believe it was God’s will for me. He prepared a way as I let my pride swell up as I “hesitantly”, cough!! cough!! told people I was moving to California and starting two jobs. All my dreams had come true to this point!! I had my job(s), money (my security), and did I mention I was going to live in California? But, then I left for California and it all changed.
Recently I was asked the question, “what makes you feel alive?” As I sat there pondering the thought I had a hard time answering the question. Again, my only conclusion was people. Seems like a resounding theme in my life. Let me get back to this and finish up Cali.
So, there I was. Sacramento, California. Home to thousands of people and California home to millions and I was joining the team. I have noticed how many Americans deem California to be this utopian idealistic lifestyle. Maybe it’s the stars that live there or the nice weather? Take my word for it, it’s just another place with roads. Probably nicer roads than where you live, but they are still roads. The sunshine is not bad either.
Thinking I had arrived and my “perfect life” was about to begin, I left the ones I loved and started two jobs on the other the side of the world (close enough). I had the ultimate set up. I was a youth pastor at a local church and worked for a mortgage company that was the industry leader in mortgages sales. Needless to say, I was a big deal, or so I thought.
As the days went by my excitement about starting life diminished rapidly and heaviness began to creep in. I was in the center of American suburbia. The average income of the town I lived in was above $130,000 a year and if you wanted to purchase a car locally it would have had to be a Mercedes because that’s all they offered. I felt so far away from what and who God created me to be. I was lost, unstable, and unfulfilled.
The first week I was at the church a man came from downtown Sacramento to one of our prayer meetings. Through casual conversation I found out that he leads a homeless ministry downtown. Immediately I was intrigued and began to think how I could plan a youth trip. Unfortunately, my desire faded shortly after that meeting as I drove home past the gated communities and BMWs. It all seemed so foreign, but this is where God wanted me, right?
Days turned into weeks and weeks into several months and I began falling apart. I specifically remember one morning when I woke up to the sound of my alarm and literally had to use all I had left in me to get out of bed. As I drove to work that day the thought of possibly not making it to work gave me great comfort. Even more than that, maybe not making it anywhere ever again sounded freeing.
I was trapped (so I thought) and I knew I had to get out. Several weeks later I took a plane home to clear my mind. The cornfields and Amish never were more comforting to me in my life. My family embraced me with open arms and three days later I decided to make my visit permanent.
I flew back out to California to get my things and drive back home. One of my buddies flew out there with me and we made the trip back together. Crossing over to the Nevada line was a freeing experience. It was a great close to a long couple of months.
It doesn’t stop there…I know this is getting long, but the best is still to come.
Back in Indiana I had to make some decisions. What was I to do? Get back into mortgage? I did well at it and it would be safe. I couldn’t do that though. Just the thought gave me a nauseous feeling. Several weeks had past and I knew I needed to start making some decisions. I began to move back to safety, it felt so natural.
I had always been intrigued with the company Edward Jones. They always receive rewards for being a great company to work for and so on and so forth. Nothing else was coming to me. I knew it would be hard to get hired, but I went for it anyway. Besides, “I will be able to work with people and help them with their finances,” I told myself. There I go again, Jonah.
Luckily Edward Jones moves like snails in their hiring process. Interview after interview I put on the front of being a well-rounded individual motivated by success. During this time I began spending an extended amount of time with God. I had been a youth pastor but that didn’t mean we (God and I) had been close. In fact, until I made the decision to leave California it felt as if God had put a brick wall between us.
Also during time I went up to Chicago to visit one of my buddies that was in an internship program with me one summer. He had made the risky move of moving to Chicago from Oklahoma to work for a non-profit organization. I wasn’t sure exactly what he did there as I traveled to visit him, but I remember thinking there is no way I could do whatever it is that he is doing. God has a sense of humor doesn’t he? His Word is true and he certainly humbles the proud.
The weekend in Chicago was nothing less than amazing! My friend showed me his world, the inner-city students he worked with, and the homeless that they housed and feed. I laid awake almost an entire night wrestling in my mind as to what I should do. My heart was there. My passion was there. As I mention earlier, I was asked the question, “what makes you feel alive?” This was it!! It just didn’t make sense. Why God? Why Chicago and why inner city? I didn’t ask for this passion and I sure wouldn’t have sign up for it if I had a choice. Or would I?
Now, I am not becoming some radical that will start to tell others to get out of suburbia and get into the city where there is endless need. There is a need everywhere. Whether it’s the African jungles or Mr. and Mrs. Smith who live next door to you. There is need all around. Sometimes I think about all the problems in the world and wonder what I could do to change the world. Often times I feel deflated because even if I could do something, would it be significant? Mother Teresa said, “Do small things with great love.” Maybe it’s not the grandness of what we do, or the number of lives we touch, perhaps its simply the heart we touch others with.
Returning home from Chicago I couldn’t read the Bible the same. I couldn’t pursue a job the same and I couldn’t even talk the same. For those who know me, believe it or not, there were times I couldn’t talk at all. I didn’t know what to say. I felt crazy, I felt unsuccessful, I felt like a wave being tossed throughout the sea. Ironically, despite these feelings I felt freedom!! A freedom to live for Christ in the reckless abandonment that we are called to do daily.
I’ve known for several years that God has called me to something abstract and out of the ordinary. It just didn’t make sense. It may never make sense to me. It may never be normal. It may never be safe or stable. But how peculiar is it that the things I thought would make me stable in life allowed me to feel insecure and hopelessly lost.
So, as I end this I must say, Jesus ruined my life. My hopes, my dreams, my ambitions are all lost. I wanted the American Dream. I wanted GPS. I am horrible with directions. I wanted to be stable, I wanted to be safe, but then I read the Bible and realized there is nothing safe about this life. There is nothing certain, except that we have King and He loves us to the point of insanity. I claim insanity, I want insanity and I will daily strive to love God and love people in the way God has shown us to.
This is my story. Where do I go from here? Well, I stopped to write this on my way to Chicago. I pray you walk away from my story examining your own life. I didn’t choose this life, it choose me. I don’t have all the answers and I understand this more and more each day. This is my next step in the journey God has us on. We are ultimately apart of His story, though it’s easy to think it’s about us.
I used to be in search of the destination that God had for me. Now I know that it’s not so much the destination I should be concerned with, but more so the next step he has for me. A step at a time He will lead me. A step at a time He will guide me. The closer I get to His heart the more radical I feel and in love I become. Together let’s walk in that love!! Hopefully, it just might ruin your life too!
American culture doesn’t contribute to this fog that pervades most of our lives and sometimes our entire life. Since I have been out of college (An entire 6 months) my world has been shaken, flipped, and completely destroyed. Now hold on, this isn’t a letter of regret, but it is a letter of insanity.
Over these past several months I have lost things I so deeply cared about, gained things that I thought were important (at the time), given opportunities I thought would give me fulfillment and purpose, and most importantly, experienced a death that was hard to go through.
For those of you that know me fairly well you may be wondering, “who died?” Well, I did! Yes, that is correct, not a typo (though I have many). Let me explain. Everything I thought I wanted, dreamed of, worked for, and positions I thought would bring me accomplishment and “success” have all been shattered. Who do I have to blame…Jesus!!
Don’t get me wrong, I have been a Christian (whatever that is) for quite some time now. If you want specifics, March 3, 1999 a man named Jeremy gave an invitation to die to self and live in Christ. Confused on what I was getting myself into, I made the “conversion” that evening. Maybe it was my 15-year-old mind or self-centeredness, but I didn’t grasp the concept and am still learning daily what that means. I have, however, gotten a taste of what I thought life, or this world, has to offer and never have I felt so empty.
Since I set foot on a college campus I have wondered, dreamed, desired, and feared what I was to do with MY life. I even took several courses to try and help me discover and hopefully quench the pressure of “having it all together” and knowing my future. Unfortunately, those classes didn’t help me as I recall my number one suggested occupation was to be a florist (huh?) and secondly an accountant, which I can’t sit still enough to finish writing this in one sitting let alone look at a computer screen and Microsoft Excel all day.
Truthfully the only information I pulled away from the “Life Calling” class was I have a heart for people (Try to explain a concrete occupation with that passion). Using the transitive property (oh how I miss math), I concluded that if I care for people, want them to know Christ as Lord, and want to be apart of something grand, this must mean I am supposed to be a Youth Pastor. Why youth? There was no way I was going to sign up to be a head pastor as I couldn’t even act my age and still don’t.
Long story short and many sleepless nights later I graduated with a Business Administration degree and was a few classes short of a ministry major.
Journeying through college, I started to become disgusted with the church. I felt so horrible for feeling that way, but I couldn’t help but be confused at the way the church operated and what the Bible said. My freshman year I had an opportunity to work with a local church that had an after school program. It was a blast!! These kids were inner-city kids and more often than not forgot they were in a church and would swear as they missed a basket.
I grew up in a very religious community and we didn’t cuss. Well, not at church. Maybe we (I) thought God could hear us better in the church than other places? Strangely enough it was refreshing to be around people that didn’t put their church faces on. I will never forget the overnighter we had and found myself on a basketball court feeling something I had never felt before. There were nine black teenage boys and myself, little white boy who was lucky to hit the rim. It was at that moment when my heart began to change and a passion for inner-city youth began to rise.
I wish I could say at that time I committed to following this heart for the inner city and the rest is history. This is where the stubborn and self-centered part comes in. My heart has, since that night of basketball, been bent towards the inner city. I wrote papers, read books, even spent several days in Philadelphia over a fall break hanging out with inner city kids.
Nevertheless, my selfishness won and I went the next several years of college constricting this desire, especially after I canceled a trip to New York City over my senior year fall break to live on the streets with the homeless.
Questions like, “what are you going to do after college?” and, “how are you going to pay off your school loans?” began to infiltrate my mind. What would I do? These were questions I knew would come, but my reactions to them were out of character for whom I knew God wanted me to be.
The book of Jonah has always struck me as funny. I say funny because Jonah intentionally disobeyed God. What an idiot. Who in their right mind would go the opposite way God told them? Well, it’s not so funny when you are the one who avoids God’s direction. Luckily I didn’t end up in a fish (well sorta).
Finishing up college I thought I wanted to get into mortgage. Looking back now it kind of makes sense. I did have a heart for inner city and people who had no place to call home. In my insecurity and confusion I ran towards an occupation that aligned with my heart, yet gave me the comfort of success stability and a guaranteed roof over my own head. How hypocritical!!
Come February 2006 I had to start making decisions (well I thought so). Besides, if I didn’t know what I was going to do then I would have to tell all that asked, “what are you going to do after you graduate” that I was a loser and didn’t know (rough translation of I’m not sure). I remember during this time constantly asking the Lord what I should do. I knew that I wanted to be bi-vocational, meaning that I would be in part-time ministry and have a “normal” job. This wasn’t because I felt this was a call on my life to do so, it was simply me desiring to serve God, but have him in a box as I got the security I wanted also.
This led me to California where I had, what I thought, the opportunity of a lifetime. It was a good opportunity too, but it wasn’t what God had called me to. I know that I was supposed to go there. I truly believe it was God’s will for me. He prepared a way as I let my pride swell up as I “hesitantly”, cough!! cough!! told people I was moving to California and starting two jobs. All my dreams had come true to this point!! I had my job(s), money (my security), and did I mention I was going to live in California? But, then I left for California and it all changed.
Recently I was asked the question, “what makes you feel alive?” As I sat there pondering the thought I had a hard time answering the question. Again, my only conclusion was people. Seems like a resounding theme in my life. Let me get back to this and finish up Cali.
So, there I was. Sacramento, California. Home to thousands of people and California home to millions and I was joining the team. I have noticed how many Americans deem California to be this utopian idealistic lifestyle. Maybe it’s the stars that live there or the nice weather? Take my word for it, it’s just another place with roads. Probably nicer roads than where you live, but they are still roads. The sunshine is not bad either.
Thinking I had arrived and my “perfect life” was about to begin, I left the ones I loved and started two jobs on the other the side of the world (close enough). I had the ultimate set up. I was a youth pastor at a local church and worked for a mortgage company that was the industry leader in mortgages sales. Needless to say, I was a big deal, or so I thought.
As the days went by my excitement about starting life diminished rapidly and heaviness began to creep in. I was in the center of American suburbia. The average income of the town I lived in was above $130,000 a year and if you wanted to purchase a car locally it would have had to be a Mercedes because that’s all they offered. I felt so far away from what and who God created me to be. I was lost, unstable, and unfulfilled.
The first week I was at the church a man came from downtown Sacramento to one of our prayer meetings. Through casual conversation I found out that he leads a homeless ministry downtown. Immediately I was intrigued and began to think how I could plan a youth trip. Unfortunately, my desire faded shortly after that meeting as I drove home past the gated communities and BMWs. It all seemed so foreign, but this is where God wanted me, right?
Days turned into weeks and weeks into several months and I began falling apart. I specifically remember one morning when I woke up to the sound of my alarm and literally had to use all I had left in me to get out of bed. As I drove to work that day the thought of possibly not making it to work gave me great comfort. Even more than that, maybe not making it anywhere ever again sounded freeing.
I was trapped (so I thought) and I knew I had to get out. Several weeks later I took a plane home to clear my mind. The cornfields and Amish never were more comforting to me in my life. My family embraced me with open arms and three days later I decided to make my visit permanent.
I flew back out to California to get my things and drive back home. One of my buddies flew out there with me and we made the trip back together. Crossing over to the Nevada line was a freeing experience. It was a great close to a long couple of months.
It doesn’t stop there…I know this is getting long, but the best is still to come.
Back in Indiana I had to make some decisions. What was I to do? Get back into mortgage? I did well at it and it would be safe. I couldn’t do that though. Just the thought gave me a nauseous feeling. Several weeks had past and I knew I needed to start making some decisions. I began to move back to safety, it felt so natural.
I had always been intrigued with the company Edward Jones. They always receive rewards for being a great company to work for and so on and so forth. Nothing else was coming to me. I knew it would be hard to get hired, but I went for it anyway. Besides, “I will be able to work with people and help them with their finances,” I told myself. There I go again, Jonah.
Luckily Edward Jones moves like snails in their hiring process. Interview after interview I put on the front of being a well-rounded individual motivated by success. During this time I began spending an extended amount of time with God. I had been a youth pastor but that didn’t mean we (God and I) had been close. In fact, until I made the decision to leave California it felt as if God had put a brick wall between us.
Also during time I went up to Chicago to visit one of my buddies that was in an internship program with me one summer. He had made the risky move of moving to Chicago from Oklahoma to work for a non-profit organization. I wasn’t sure exactly what he did there as I traveled to visit him, but I remember thinking there is no way I could do whatever it is that he is doing. God has a sense of humor doesn’t he? His Word is true and he certainly humbles the proud.
The weekend in Chicago was nothing less than amazing! My friend showed me his world, the inner-city students he worked with, and the homeless that they housed and feed. I laid awake almost an entire night wrestling in my mind as to what I should do. My heart was there. My passion was there. As I mention earlier, I was asked the question, “what makes you feel alive?” This was it!! It just didn’t make sense. Why God? Why Chicago and why inner city? I didn’t ask for this passion and I sure wouldn’t have sign up for it if I had a choice. Or would I?
Now, I am not becoming some radical that will start to tell others to get out of suburbia and get into the city where there is endless need. There is a need everywhere. Whether it’s the African jungles or Mr. and Mrs. Smith who live next door to you. There is need all around. Sometimes I think about all the problems in the world and wonder what I could do to change the world. Often times I feel deflated because even if I could do something, would it be significant? Mother Teresa said, “Do small things with great love.” Maybe it’s not the grandness of what we do, or the number of lives we touch, perhaps its simply the heart we touch others with.
Returning home from Chicago I couldn’t read the Bible the same. I couldn’t pursue a job the same and I couldn’t even talk the same. For those who know me, believe it or not, there were times I couldn’t talk at all. I didn’t know what to say. I felt crazy, I felt unsuccessful, I felt like a wave being tossed throughout the sea. Ironically, despite these feelings I felt freedom!! A freedom to live for Christ in the reckless abandonment that we are called to do daily.
I’ve known for several years that God has called me to something abstract and out of the ordinary. It just didn’t make sense. It may never make sense to me. It may never be normal. It may never be safe or stable. But how peculiar is it that the things I thought would make me stable in life allowed me to feel insecure and hopelessly lost.
So, as I end this I must say, Jesus ruined my life. My hopes, my dreams, my ambitions are all lost. I wanted the American Dream. I wanted GPS. I am horrible with directions. I wanted to be stable, I wanted to be safe, but then I read the Bible and realized there is nothing safe about this life. There is nothing certain, except that we have King and He loves us to the point of insanity. I claim insanity, I want insanity and I will daily strive to love God and love people in the way God has shown us to.
This is my story. Where do I go from here? Well, I stopped to write this on my way to Chicago. I pray you walk away from my story examining your own life. I didn’t choose this life, it choose me. I don’t have all the answers and I understand this more and more each day. This is my next step in the journey God has us on. We are ultimately apart of His story, though it’s easy to think it’s about us.
I used to be in search of the destination that God had for me. Now I know that it’s not so much the destination I should be concerned with, but more so the next step he has for me. A step at a time He will lead me. A step at a time He will guide me. The closer I get to His heart the more radical I feel and in love I become. Together let’s walk in that love!! Hopefully, it just might ruin your life too!
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